Dilemma

I am confused
Do I want him to die
Do I want him to live
I half wish he were dead
I would then be free
Free of him
Free of bonds
Free to fly  and free to explore

Yet  I fear 
I fear the vacuum
The vacuum he may leave behind
Would  my heart bleed
Like a scab pulled out
Causing  a trickle 
A trickle  of life blood

I fear my thoughts 
I am not evil
You see, am a good soul
And do not want to fall that low
I convince myself that I am doing the  right thing 
Cooking for him
Giving medicines
Keeping house  clean

Though I  can bring  myself to render 
Neither  love nor tenderness
I guiltily  banish that tiny hope
Every morning   as I wake up
Go down the stairs  and check on him
Will you  have  tea
And wait to see 
If he stirs and answers

Half relieved when he groans and stirs
Half  disappointed  
I tell myself  I should  be  grateful
Grateful  to  him for the roof over my head
The food, the car, the money the comforts 
I would  never harm him willfully 

Yet I had prayed for his death
Many times when the times were tough
When he was strong  and I was weak
When he drank and taunted 
Stamped  and ground  me under his heel
Now he lies weak and defenseless 
Alcohol stricken body and brain

I would not kick a man when he is down
I cannot  bring myself  to forgive  my tormentor
I would  do what  I can just so he doesn't  suffer 
For those rare moments of love and care
That lie forgotten under the years of abuse 
Because  I think  there lies a tormented soul
Unable  or  uncaring
To break  the addiction 
I respect  humanity 
I will not  walk away
Am I doing the right  thing?

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